Love. Often a choice, rather than a feeling.

Love and marriage- some days it can be more of a choice rather than a feeling.
I think that's the point.

What if we wake up every day and simply choose to love the person next to us? Or, in my case the person who's already been out in the fields or at the barn for two hours by the time my feet finally hit the floor. What if we put the feelings and needs of our spouse at the top of our already incredibly long and almost impossible to-do list? We already do this with our children [assuming that you started your own small tribe of dictators] but do we do that with our spouses, daily? OK-- eye rolling at the computer screen, right? This chick, she's thirty, been married less than a decade so what does she know? Valid. I'll give you that, I mean- what do I know? What do any of us actually know for sure? But, stay with me here-- I truly believe that loving our spouses is a daily choice. Choosing to love them even when the shiny parts start to fade, when the butterflies flutter a bit slower, when the excitement of the unknown becomes known, and when the real-life rhythm starts to take a steady pace. I've only been married going on eight years now so I don't have decades of experience under my high waist jeans- but even in our less than a decade relationship we've dealt with our fair share of growing pains and still do, every day. The two of us are continually adjusting our exceptions of each other. Our spouses and our partners, we're not always going to like them but we can surely always love them. So, what if, every single day we woke up and simply made the choice to love the person next to us?

Take our story for example.
In the beginning, our relationship went from zero to one hundred and sixty in 80 days flat. Yes, you read that correctly. I'm talking about from the time of our first date to the night of our engagement it was a relationship that consisted of a grand total of 80 days. Did we really truly know each other at this point? No, probably not. Did we truly believe that we found the person we were supposed to love and share our lives with for the rest of time? Yes. Well, after that whirlwind ride, we had this crazy idea that we would bring three humans into the world in just under 5 years time. So, believe me when I tell you that I will never claim to have all the answers and I am no expert. I'm probably just plain crazy. 

I remember after having each one of our children I would always think to myself-- how on earth can this man still love me after witnessing all of that, I mean...like, all of that. Thankfully he chose to love me through it, the highs and the lows, even when I wasn't the easiest and my emotions and hormones controlled my every action. Life happens, and then kids happen and we tend to subconsciously stop choosing to put our partner at the top of our priority list. [And, now is probably the part where you probably want me to say that kids should always come first above our spouses but I really don't think they should {gasp} right?]. I've read a few books and a handful of articles stating that the best thing for our children is to see us taking the time to place our significant others ahead of them and other priorities. When we do that they get to see how marriage works first hand and have a front row seat to experience love in the most secure way. I know, this idea usually isn't an easy sell  and it was hard for me to wrap my head around at first but showing them a strong marriage and a strong parental team is just way too important. Also- I don’t want to wake up in twenty years, with fully raised children who are leaving home and realize that I don’t know the person next to me anymore. I don't want to come to find out that I don't know their passions or their desires in life because I was too busy pushing them to the bottom of my list. 

But, with that all being said- we are your average married couple. We argue, we push buttons, we trigger each other but we do know how to love fiercely. Everyone has shortcomings and annoying habits that come to light when you live close proximity to another human being, sun up to sun down, 365 days a year. These people of ours are bound to get on our nerves and creep under our skin. I grew up as an only child, a fact that I can't change about myself. While my parents did a remarkable job of keeping me socially integrated with peers and fairly grounded from a life in the clouds; I still have a few only child attributes that makes it hard (at times) for my husband to understand my thought process and reasoning. Full disclosure, I do truly love being an only child. I can count on one hand the times I thought I should have had a sibling. But, my husband--he grew up in a home of multiple children where space and belongings had to shared and daily compromises were made so, by definition, we grew up in completely different worlds. Neither one better or worse than the other, just different. So, when it comes to us co-existing as people, spouses, and parents it can; at times, cause a wrinkle. I can usually recognize some of my 'only child' behaviors and adjust accordingly, he still chooses to love me despite it. So, if he loves me in spite of my flaws why shouldn't I wake up every day and choose to love him completely-- in spite of his flaws. For example laundry is my kryptonite. Hands down. I hate it. And this simple truth annoys my husband from here to a high, high hill somewhere. I know this and I try to do better. That's it, that's all that we can do friends. And you know what, he's annoyed with me but he still chooses to love me. I also have some poor time management skills and he is overly [annoyingly] punctual. He throws his wet towels on the bed, dear Jesus, that ones goes through meeeeee-- have you ever tried to crawl into a bed after a damp towel sat there for hours? Eek. Also, I don't vacuum and clean out the goldfish and crumbs from the car weekly, that gets under his skin. I will also run my SUV with the gas light on for a good 20 miles before filling up, this comes in second to annoying him back up to that high hill somewhere. He doesn't understand why I write on a computer to connect with people and I don't get why he enjoys chatting on the phone for long periods of time. We all have our things. 

The people we fall/fell in love with will not always be the exact people that they once were, over time we all grow, evolve, and change. Which, I don't think is a bad thing- it's human nature. These people that we are committed to sharing our lives with will change, sometimes in little ways and at times in bigger ways. So, what other choice do we have than to keep connecting and finding common ground. I believe, in my only 30 year developed brain, that every day, you show up and you choose them, you choose to love that person. You put in the time and the effort-- you 'do the work' no matter how hard it may seem to be at the time. So we can lean on them, share our struggles, tear down the walls to let them in and be vulnerable. Marriage isn't easy but it can be so rewarding. 

So, what if you wake up every day and mindfully choose to love the person next to you and put them first. Above everything. As for me, I do choose to love him every day but I do need to work on continuing to keep him at the top of my priority list. The little tribe that we created has made this task a 'teeny' bit (our middle daughters new favorite word) difficult but I feel it's far too valuable to forget. Let's faithfully and habitually choose our spouses' first. We can't put marriage on autopilot and think that we will always feel the way we do today, we have to choose to feel that way and continue making that choice. It will be perfectly imperfect and worth the sacrifice.