Luke 1:46-55- TPT

Wow. That is exactly how I’m feeling today. If I sat down to write all of the ways He has woven Himself into the details of our lives it would probably look unbelievable to most— especially in the past forty-eight hours. 

Aaron left for a trip to Idaho on Thanksgiving night and the thought of him leaving for eight days had my anxiety ramped up to DEFCON six. The night he left after we put the kids to bed I broke down in tears and told him that home just doesn’t work when he’s not here. If something major would happen I would need him around to keep me from coming unglued. He told me I would be fine and with a reassuring kiss planted on my forehead, he was off. While I’ve been doing a lot of learning and growing over the past year I still didn’t feel like I had complete healing from my anxious tendencies. The week hummed along smoothly until Thursday morning. 

Thursday morning I was tested again and the pruning ways of my Heavenly Father continued even further. I was washing dishes like I do every day, all day. Naomi was pestering for a drink after having a snack. She picked up my tumbler of water from the counter and made her way into the playroom to continue playing with her playdoh. Not even one minute later she was standing next to me, blood gushing from her mouth. At first, I had no clue where the blood was spilling from, and after a frightening examination, I noticed a puncture wound in the back of her mouth. That smart little girl had already grabbed a towel and was applying pressure the whole time while my instincts were starting to kick in. I grabbed my keys and wallet and rushed to the closest urgent care. Upon arriving at urgent care the bleeding was already stopping. After the initial assessment, it was decided Penn State Children’s Hospital is where we needed to go, and off we went again. 

She was sleepy from the event and woozy from the blood loss and took a nap in the car, I switched between watching the road and her breathing the whole way there. After arriving and being checked out we started to deconstruct the puzzle of what happened. We took the little information she gave us and the results of her physical exam to determine what happened. She was standing on her children’s size play chair (typical) dancing, it rocked backward while she was drinking from my tumbler and she landed on the cup. It impaled her soft palette and punctured her left tonsil. Sounds bad right? Yeah, my stomach sank. Then they informed me that we needed imaging to make sure she didn’t injure any arteries, specifically the carotid. My stomach sank even further. They also continued to tell me that surgery to repair the wound was a huge possibility. My stomach had officially fallen out of my bottom. 

Now I know you are probably thinking— “Wow, this is why I don’t give my kids straws.” Ok— that’s fair. But here’s the thing, and I’m not making excuses for what happened; I’ve given myself about a thousand mental black and blues over this freak accident. But that’s exactly what it was, an accident. It could have been a pencil. It could have been a pen. It could have been a toothbrush. It could have been a ruler. It could have been anything. It happened and now I was left to deal with the aftermath of what Naomi was going to endure. 

 At one time while they were trying to place an IV in my strong-willed three-year-old and sedate her I made my way to the bathroom, shut the door, and let the tears flow. I knew that what I needed at that moment wasn’t of this earth. Would having Aaron there make the situation less stressful? Yes, would be the short and simple answer.  But that would be me answering from the flesh. No, the help that I needed was from above. So right there in that hospital bathroom, I prayed for an army of warring angels to descend upon us. I petitioned heaven for the Holy Spirit to invade that hospital room and my heart. I pleaded for God to stitch up the shattered pieces of my soul and to help me to forgive myself for the reason that we were here at this very moment. I asked the person above for which all things are possible to give Naomi's team of doctors clear CT images and clear answers. 

 By the grace of God, after coaxing her to stay still the CT angiogram revealed that while the wound was indeed deep it was not deep enough to affect the carotid or any other major vessels. It punctured her tonsil in the exact spot where three major blood vessels enter the top of the tonsil. Hence the bloody scene from Carrie in my kitchen. There was another clear example of her guardian angel's protection. [Psalm 91:11] It was decided by the ENT team and surgeon that because of the blood loss and making sure it didn’t bleed again and need a procedure to cauterize the wound we earned a ticket for an overnight stay in pediatric observation. We started pain meds and settled in for the night. Naomi constantly blew the nurses away with her pain tolerance and what even looked like the beginning of healing in the mouth. The bleeding had not resumed and she ate an entire turkey sandwich. Yep, she turned down the ice cream and went for the sandwich. The ENT resident came in during the morning rounds and spoke with me. Since there was no bleeding overnight (Praise the Lord) we are able to go home. He did caution me with watching for neurological signs like weakness in the face. He used some other scary words like aneurysms, but a friend who works in the neurological department put my 'hamster wheel' mind at ease. Upon waking up her left eye was slightly closed more than the other, he said that could be swelling from the fall/injury and her muscles and limbs were moving correctly it all looked very promising. By 1 clock that day we were back home. 

Naomi soldiered through the rest of the day like a typical three-year-old. She slept all night, 8:30 to 7 am without waking for pain medicine. I didn't have the heart to wake her during the night even though I checked multiple times. When she woke up she didn’t have a slightly closed looking left eye like yesterday and all face muscles were still working perfectly. The wound was pink, a little red and white, and no evidence of blood. She's immediately started playing horses, asked for breakfast, and was 'neighing' like nothing happened. I just continued to keep reminding myself that of course, He is helping her, He loves her more than I do. He has a full desire to heal us, so why should we expect any less? A little later on in the morning I found out that my neighbor said the Lord had put my girls on her heart the day before and she had been praying for them without even knowing what was going on. Talk about chills. Hey God, I see you. [insert wink emoji] 

There have been so many testimonies in such a short time surrounding this event that I just had to sit down and write it out. God's favor on my life has been nothing short of incredible over the past year. I mean— it’s constant and steadfast. Just like Mary’s prayer in the first chapter of Luke. So instead of continuing to view the last couple of days as an attack from the enemy-- a friend of mine and I started talking about this in the context of God using it as a test or trial to seal the deal in my healing journey. I made myself believe that I would crumble if I was left on my own. But God firmly placed my legs beneath me with sure footing, on His rock. It was an act of pruning. He yearns for me to be completely healed so that I can walk out what he has set aside for me and get myself in the position to do great work and show His love. I can no longer allow my thoughts to be robbed by the enemy. He needed to show me again what He is capable of so that I believe without a shadow of a doubt that He is Alpha and Omega, the first and the last, beginning and end. 

He showed me that He is the ultimate healer, and while we put our trust in doctors and their gift it is He who controls all things. I think God showed me through this that it is He who keeps me glued together. My reliance has to come from above. I need to take his favor, trust in it, and walk out His goodness. And, as for my little miracle girl— she has some unfailing mercy interceding for her from heaven because she sure gives her duo of angels a workout. This entire experience can hopefully serve as a lesson for my active little firecracker, hopefully. 

Thank you to all who lifted us up in prayer during and after the event. We will continue to trust in Him that her healing will continue and we are eternally grateful for the mysterious and awe-inspiring blessings we have been given. If only I could have seen the battle being fought on the other side-- how beautiful and victorious it must have looked. 

1.) Naan Bread (LINK HERE)

2.) Creme Brûlée Coffee Creamer (LINK HERE)

3.) Electrolyte Replenishing Drink (LINK HERE)

4.) Popsicles -- Immune Boosting | Feel Better Pops (LINK HERE)

Enjoy! 

Stay sane and stay healthy.

Today I struggled. I rode that struggle bus from morning to evening. Worry after worry. Fear-filled thought and fear-filled thought running rampant in my brain like this virus, changing my brain chemistry to fight or flight. I started praying continuously. I begged God for a reprieve. I became annoyed when I wasn't getting instant relief and gratification. I put on worship music, turning it up loud and sang out knowing full well that Satan operates in the spirit realm and he cannot stand our worship especially when set to music. 

"For God’s Word is something to sing about!

He is true to his promises, his word can be trusted,

and everything he does is reliable and right.

The Lord loves seeing justice on the earth.

Anywhere and everywhere you can find his faithful, unfailing love!" 

Psalm 33: 4-5

I quickly sent out texts to my community-- "Hey! I'm drowning in the enemies lies..pray for me, please." They did. They showed up spiritually on the other end of the phone and went to battle with me. I craved peace. I yearned for relief from my anxious feelings. I hungered to hear from God but I couldn't kick that nasty little devil off of my shoulder. The lump in my throat kept growing, my blood pressure rising. I tried to praise louder, deeper but I kept being met at every turn with a fiery roadblock. 

"His destiny-plan for the earth stands sure.

His forever-plan remains in place and will never fail.

12 Blessed and prosperous is that nation who has God as their Lord!

They will be the people he has chosen for his own."

Psalm 33: 11-12

I feel like that is what is happening currently-- the walls of Hell must be on fire. God's enemies are fighting to keep the nations saturated in fear. Tossing out roadblocks upon roadblocks. For every reassuring article that is published, there are three more fear-based articles. The enemy has to be eating up every word that is dripping in alarm. Every panic-induced moment. Every tear. Every depressing thought. Every moment that you're feeling discontent. Don't let him have those victories over us because our God is so much bigger than he is. And all the while the Holy Spirit is steadily whispering to us. I picture this whisper to be a light breeze, breathy and laced with patience-- saying, don't look down just keep your eyes on me! Jesus is watching us observing how we handle crisis, do we turn to Him for our answers or do we turn to others for what only he can provide? 

"The Lord looks over us from where he rules in heaven.

Gazing into every heart from his lofty dwelling place,

he observes all the peoples of the earth.

The Creator of our hearts considers and examines everything we do.

Even if a king has the best-equipped army,

it would never be enough to save him.

Even if the best warrior went to battle,

he could not be saved simply by his strength alone.

 Human strength and the weapons of man

are false hopes for victory;

they may seem mighty but they will always disappoint." 

Psalm 33: 13-17

As the day was coming to an end and I was standing at the sink washing dishes, for what felt like the hundredth time. The same few thoughts kept coming back to me. That morning when I woke up before all of the anxiousness settled deep into my shoulders I had a song laid on my heart and a few thoughts that kept coming to me. Such as, be still we are not in control. Be still, doctors and nurses have limited control over this crisis. If He wants there to be enough hospital beds and ventilators then He will provide them. If He wants the scientist slaving in the labs to have a breakthrough with a vaccine then He will see it created. If He wants to keep drawing people closer to him by allowing the virus to remain here on Earth, forcing us to stop, think, pray and reevaluate priorities, then it will remain here until his will is done. 

"The eyes of the Lord are upon

even the weakest worshipers who love him—

those who wait in hope and expectation

for the strong, steady love of God.

 God will deliver them from death,

even the certain death of famine, with no one to help." 

Psalm 33: 18-19

If you are anxious and you can't shake the feeling, you're not alone. If you are worried and you can't rein back in, you're not alone. If you are scared, you're not alone. Every single one of us experiences emotions and feelings that come in waves. And while there may be sharks are in the water, come hell or high water He is still on the throne. When we sing and give praise heaven invades the earth and our enemies flee. He wraps us with His love and cradles us in His comfort so we can let go of that control we have white-knuckled in our grasp. 

"The Lord alone is our radiant hope

and we trust in him with all our hearts.

His wrap-around presence will strengthen us." 

Psalm 33: 20

As I climb out of the cloud of uncertainty that has been circling my life over the past few months and gain a better understanding of what kind of trial I’ve been asked to deal with it becomes more and more abundantly clear to me the exact people he placed in my life to be my community during this time. They came to me in the form of several different personalities. Friends and family members who I had a current surface level relationship with but who I would normally reach out to in confidence. Yet, in my darkest hours there they were, shining brighter than all the rest, drawing me close to them with their love, understanding, and compassion.

One person helped me weather the actual storm brewing around me. She wore her raincoat and tucked her jeans into galoshes, lent me her ear and stood by me with every wave that tried to knock me down. The other women were standing there when I started to regain my footing on the rocky shale of recovery. Each one so precious and perfectly placed exactly where I needed them to be at the exact moments that I needed them.

I would be in the smack dap in the middle of a panic episode and my phone would chime with a message “Hey, how are you? I just felt like the Lord wanted me to pray for you right now.” Or I would be standing at my kitchen sink fretting about something silly and that very friend would pull in the drive and walk up to the door with a vase of fresh eucalyptus. He freely and justly gave me what I needed at that exact moment I needed it. He gave me that comfort because He cares. Why? Because He sees the full picture of what He is trying to create in my life. He’s not zoomed in on this exact moment in my story, His telescope has a much wider angle. He’s calling out and saying “Look at me! Keep your eyes on me. There is a reason but you don’t need to know yet. Just trust.” He is constantly using others around me to remind me that when the enemy is in the water, just look up!

God gives us a community.

For example, again, this morning I was scrolling Facebook and reading things that were just fueling my anxiousness. I've tried to stay away from extra information about the 'pandemic' surrounding us but I also need to be informed. It's a double-edged sword for those of us that deal with fear and worry. So as my chest is starting to tighten and a lump is forming in the back of my throat my cell phone dings! There was a message, perfect timing. It said "Good Morning Tiff my friend, may you be encouraged this morning and not live in fear while those around us seem to be trembling...may we be beacons of peace, filled with the hope within us." Guys! She had no first-hand knowledge that I was about to hop on my hamster wheel of worry, but He knew and He placed me on her heart and because of that she sent me that message and saved me from myself. No one, I mean, no one but the Lord can do things like that in your life. No one else, but the Holy Spirit, knows exactly what our hearts need when they need it.

He sends people into our lives before we know we need them.  He sends them to walk alongside us, to relate to us, to reach out and extend a hand to help us. But not to do the actual work for us, that’s where we still need to lean on Him to help carry us. It kind of plays on like that Cheap Trick song from the 70s that repeats over and over-- “I want you to want me, I need you to need me, I'd love you to love me, I'm beggin' you to beg me.”

He just wants us to need Him, lean on Him and trust that he has our backs and best interest at heart. He will do good in His time. He knows me better than I know myself. It’s all hands on deck. We were not designed to do this alone. He wants us to use the community He gives us, and above of all-- lean on Him. 

Proverbs 8:17 (TPT) 

I will show my love to those who passionately love me. For they will search and search continually until they find me.