Love. Often a choice, rather than a feeling.
05 October 2018
Love and marriage- some days it can be more of a choice rather than a feeling.
I think that's the point.
What if we wake up every day and simply choose to love the person next to us? Or, in my case the person who's already been out in the fields or at the barn for two hours by the time my feet finally hit the floor. What if we put the feelings and needs of our spouse at the top of our already incredibly long and almost impossible to-do list? We already do this with our children [assuming that you started your own small tribe of dictators] but do we do that with our spouses, daily? OK-- eye rolling at the computer screen, right? This chick, she's thirty, been married less than a decade so what does she know? Valid. I'll give you that, I mean- what do I know? What do any of us actually know for sure? But, stay with me here-- I truly believe that loving our spouses is a daily choice. Choosing to love them even when the shiny parts start to fade, when the butterflies flutter a bit slower, when the excitement of the unknown becomes known, and when the real-life rhythm starts to take a steady pace. I've only been married going on eight years now so I don't have decades of experience under my high waist jeans- but even in our less than a decade relationship we've dealt with our fair share of growing pains and still do, every day. The two of us are continually adjusting our exceptions of each other. Our spouses and our partners, we're not always going to like them but we can surely always love them. So, what if, every single day we woke up and simply made the choice to love the person next to us?
Take our story for example.
In the beginning, our relationship went from zero to one hundred and sixty in 80 days flat. Yes, you read that correctly. I'm talking about from the time of our first date to the night of our engagement it was a relationship that consisted of a grand total of 80 days. Did we really truly know each other at this point? No, probably not. Did we truly believe that we found the person we were supposed to love and share our lives with for the rest of time? Yes. Well, after that whirlwind ride, we had this crazy idea that we would bring three humans into the world in just under 5 years time. So, believe me when I tell you that I will never claim to have all the answers and I am no expert. I'm probably just plain crazy.
In the beginning, our relationship went from zero to one hundred and sixty in 80 days flat. Yes, you read that correctly. I'm talking about from the time of our first date to the night of our engagement it was a relationship that consisted of a grand total of 80 days. Did we really truly know each other at this point? No, probably not. Did we truly believe that we found the person we were supposed to love and share our lives with for the rest of time? Yes. Well, after that whirlwind ride, we had this crazy idea that we would bring three humans into the world in just under 5 years time. So, believe me when I tell you that I will never claim to have all the answers and I am no expert. I'm probably just plain crazy.
I remember after having each one of our children I would always think to myself-- how on earth can this man still love me after witnessing all of that, I mean...like, all of that. Thankfully he chose to love me through it, the highs and the lows, even when I wasn't the easiest and my emotions and hormones controlled my every action. Life happens, and then kids happen and we tend to subconsciously stop choosing to put our partner at the top of our priority list. [And, now is probably the part where you probably want me to say that kids should always come first above our spouses but I really don't think they should {gasp} right?]. I've read a few books and a handful of articles stating that the best thing for our children is to see us taking the time to place our significant others ahead of them and other priorities. When we do that they get to see how marriage works first hand and have a front row seat to experience love in the most secure way. I know, this idea usually isn't an easy sell and it was hard for me to wrap my head around at first but showing them a strong marriage and a strong parental team is just way too important. Also- I don’t want to wake up in twenty years, with fully raised children who are leaving home and realize that I don’t know the person next to me anymore. I don't want to come to find out that I don't know their passions or their desires in life because I was too busy pushing them to the bottom of my list.
But, with that all being said- we are your average married couple. We argue, we push buttons, we trigger each other but we do know how to love fiercely. Everyone has shortcomings and annoying habits that come to light when you live close proximity to another human being, sun up to sun down, 365 days a year. These people of ours are bound to get on our nerves and creep under our skin. I grew up as an only child, a fact that I can't change about myself. While my parents did a remarkable job of keeping me socially integrated with peers and fairly grounded from a life in the clouds; I still have a few only child attributes that makes it hard (at times) for my husband to understand my thought process and reasoning. Full disclosure, I do truly love being an only child. I can count on one hand the times I thought I should have had a sibling. But, my husband--he grew up in a home of multiple children where space and belongings had to shared and daily compromises were made so, by definition, we grew up in completely different worlds. Neither one better or worse than the other, just different. So, when it comes to us co-existing as people, spouses, and parents it can; at times, cause a wrinkle. I can usually recognize some of my 'only child' behaviors and adjust accordingly, he still chooses to love me despite it. So, if he loves me in spite of my flaws why shouldn't I wake up every day and choose to love him completely-- in spite of his flaws. For example laundry is my kryptonite. Hands down. I hate it. And this simple truth annoys my husband from here to a high, high hill somewhere. I know this and I try to do better. That's it, that's all that we can do friends. And you know what, he's annoyed with me but he still chooses to love me. I also have some poor time management skills and he is overly [annoyingly] punctual. He throws his wet towels on the bed, dear Jesus, that ones goes through meeeeee-- have you ever tried to crawl into a bed after a damp towel sat there for hours? Eek. Also, I don't vacuum and clean out the goldfish and crumbs from the car weekly, that gets under his skin. I will also run my SUV with the gas light on for a good 20 miles before filling up, this comes in second to annoying him back up to that high hill somewhere. He doesn't understand why I write on a computer to connect with people and I don't get why he enjoys chatting on the phone for long periods of time. We all have our things.
The people we fall/fell in love with will not always be the exact people that they once were, over time we all grow, evolve, and change. Which, I don't think is a bad thing- it's human nature. These people that we are committed to sharing our lives with will change, sometimes in little ways and at times in bigger ways. So, what other choice do we have than to keep connecting and finding common ground. I believe, in my only 30 year developed brain, that every day, you show up and you choose them, you choose to love that person. You put in the time and the effort-- you 'do the work' no matter how hard it may seem to be at the time. So we can lean on them, share our struggles, tear down the walls to let them in and be vulnerable. Marriage isn't easy but it can be so rewarding.
So, what if you wake up every day and mindfully choose to love the person next to you and put them first. Above everything. As for me, I do choose to love him every day but I do need to work on continuing to keep him at the top of my priority list. The little tribe that we created has made this task a 'teeny' bit (our middle daughters new favorite word) difficult but I feel it's far too valuable to forget. Let's faithfully and habitually choose our spouses' first. We can't put marriage on autopilot and think that we will always feel the way we do today, we have to choose to feel that way and continue making that choice. It will be perfectly imperfect and worth the sacrifice.
Let's Bring Back the Village
14 September 2018
There are days I wish I could be a parent and a mother from a different generation. I recently watched a video clip online (only slightly exaggerated and very true) depicting mothers today and how interactions can go in a social setting-- usually, I watch these, chuckle to myself and go about my day but this particular time it struck a chord with me and stayed with me all day. Here is the link to the video if you're interested in watching it.
After watching this and thinking back on various situations that I've found myself in over the past 6.5 years of being a mother I can honestly say that there are days that I wish I could have been a parent at a time when ‘it takes a village’ was actually a thing - not just a saying. It’s not that I don’t recognize how much we’ve accomplished so much in the past few decades and grown leaps and bounds. It’s also not because I don’t enjoy technology and social media (I mean, I AM a blogger!). It’s just that – it feels like a generation ago would have been a simpler time to be a mother, and a simpler time to raise a child. A generation ago would have been a time when children didn’t have a social calendar that rivals a celebrity; a time when mothers weren’t publicly shamed for their parenting choices; and a time when a simple search for parenting information would return a flood of conflicting “expertise,” causing us to lose sleep worrying that we are getting it all wrong. Before a world of helicopter parents and lawnmower parents. Before we were a society that described parenting in terms like “attached parenting” and “detached parenting.” The days before we had to go Facebook to catch up with and check in on with family only to scroll through our feed and have anxiety attacks after reading three different articles telling you that you’ve been doing thirty things wrong this entire time, and by your calculations led you to realize your children are royally doomed for the rest of their lives.
We live in a time of the great debates— and I’m not talking presidential debates. I’m talking about society's great debates about parenthood: vax vs. anti-vax, breast vs. bottle, public school vs. homeschool, formula, cry it out vs. co-sleep, front-facing or rear-facing, organic or non-organic, college-level preschool or play-based learning, screen time or no screen time. And the list goes on, and on, and on... It’s endless and it is simply taxing on the already very weary soul of a parent.
Now, we feel this urge to shame, condemn and criticize other mothers. But it hurts so much when it happens to us. We share because we want to feel that sense of community, but then we constantly feel led to defend the things we do and the choices we make. Rest assured, I will not throw stones at glass houses because I have the ability to see my own flaws, and I’ve ridden the guilty bus a time or two. But flaws, flaws are something that every single living, breathing, walking, talking human, parent, mother, and father have, they've always been there woven into our personal DNA. But today – in this generation – it feels like each and every one of these flaws is magnified in a way they have never been before. Furthermore, our shortcomings and personal choices are also picked apart and set center stage for mass criticism. Even more painfully, these choices can be silently mocked or judged with disapproving eyes.
I wish for the times of a ‘village’ in support of the greater good which is- surviving while our children are thriving. For once, can’t we go back to a time when surviving meant serving up a pitcher of red kool-aid on a warm day just to see some happy stained smiles, letting your child play with and drink from the garden hose without worrying about lead exposure, letting your kids paint each other from head-to-toe because it keeps them happy, packing simple lunches in a brown paper bag without any fancy faces, serving up fruit snacks without have to apologize or explain, using timeouts and accountability consequences, allowing your child to watch two movies in one day because you need a mental health break, having a hidden pack of strawberry mentos in your bag for emergencies, and serving Fruit Loops for dinner when dad is working late. Can’t we go back to a time when thriving simply meant just being a remarkably average parent, instead of an exhausted superhero with a worn out cape?
We all crave community, acceptance, and understanding with a side serving of grace. Let your children be children a little while longer – and be proud of that. We are all just trying to survive. So, gift others around you with empathy. Be understanding of differences. Be a friend to someone who needs a friend. Be kind to your fellow mothers and fathers. Be humble, please. Be compassionate and caring. Let's be a village in support of all of the other villagers.
After watching this and thinking back on various situations that I've found myself in over the past 6.5 years of being a mother I can honestly say that there are days that I wish I could have been a parent at a time when ‘it takes a village’ was actually a thing - not just a saying. It’s not that I don’t recognize how much we’ve accomplished so much in the past few decades and grown leaps and bounds. It’s also not because I don’t enjoy technology and social media (I mean, I AM a blogger!). It’s just that – it feels like a generation ago would have been a simpler time to be a mother, and a simpler time to raise a child. A generation ago would have been a time when children didn’t have a social calendar that rivals a celebrity; a time when mothers weren’t publicly shamed for their parenting choices; and a time when a simple search for parenting information would return a flood of conflicting “expertise,” causing us to lose sleep worrying that we are getting it all wrong. Before a world of helicopter parents and lawnmower parents. Before we were a society that described parenting in terms like “attached parenting” and “detached parenting.” The days before we had to go Facebook to catch up with and check in on with family only to scroll through our feed and have anxiety attacks after reading three different articles telling you that you’ve been doing thirty things wrong this entire time, and by your calculations led you to realize your children are royally doomed for the rest of their lives.
We live in a time of the great debates— and I’m not talking presidential debates. I’m talking about society's great debates about parenthood: vax vs. anti-vax, breast vs. bottle, public school vs. homeschool, formula, cry it out vs. co-sleep, front-facing or rear-facing, organic or non-organic, college-level preschool or play-based learning, screen time or no screen time. And the list goes on, and on, and on... It’s endless and it is simply taxing on the already very weary soul of a parent.
Now, we feel this urge to shame, condemn and criticize other mothers. But it hurts so much when it happens to us. We share because we want to feel that sense of community, but then we constantly feel led to defend the things we do and the choices we make. Rest assured, I will not throw stones at glass houses because I have the ability to see my own flaws, and I’ve ridden the guilty bus a time or two. But flaws, flaws are something that every single living, breathing, walking, talking human, parent, mother, and father have, they've always been there woven into our personal DNA. But today – in this generation – it feels like each and every one of these flaws is magnified in a way they have never been before. Furthermore, our shortcomings and personal choices are also picked apart and set center stage for mass criticism. Even more painfully, these choices can be silently mocked or judged with disapproving eyes.
I wish for the times of a ‘village’ in support of the greater good which is- surviving while our children are thriving. For once, can’t we go back to a time when surviving meant serving up a pitcher of red kool-aid on a warm day just to see some happy stained smiles, letting your child play with and drink from the garden hose without worrying about lead exposure, letting your kids paint each other from head-to-toe because it keeps them happy, packing simple lunches in a brown paper bag without any fancy faces, serving up fruit snacks without have to apologize or explain, using timeouts and accountability consequences, allowing your child to watch two movies in one day because you need a mental health break, having a hidden pack of strawberry mentos in your bag for emergencies, and serving Fruit Loops for dinner when dad is working late. Can’t we go back to a time when thriving simply meant just being a remarkably average parent, instead of an exhausted superhero with a worn out cape?
We all crave community, acceptance, and understanding with a side serving of grace. Let your children be children a little while longer – and be proud of that. We are all just trying to survive. So, gift others around you with empathy. Be understanding of differences. Be a friend to someone who needs a friend. Be kind to your fellow mothers and fathers. Be humble, please. Be compassionate and caring. Let's be a village in support of all of the other villagers.
Friday Top Five | The Lunchbox Edit
07 September 2018
We have found ourselves at the end of our first three weeks of school, three weeks for us because Charlotte started all-day preschool a week before Ava started first grade. It's been an adjustment for us with our daily schedule, I haven't quite hit my stride yet and still feel a bit discombobulated at times but the girls are loving school and seem to but be having great experiences so far-- which makes it all worth it.
I started them out with items that I thought would work for their lunch boxes but quickly realized that a few of our things weren't doing the job. Our ice packs were too large and didn't fit nicely in the boxes. Our water bottles kept leaking and and so did our compartment inserts. So, after doing a more in-depth search online [amazon, I mean what can't you find and prime these days...] I found a few products that I really like and have been working nicely for us.
1.| Bentgo Box - The lid fits nice and tight! So, Charlotte's favorite ranch dip doesn't get mixed up with any other foods.
2.| Reusable Water Bottle Set with Fridge Tray Organizer - These are wonderful, they come in a set of five with a fridge organizing tray. They are affordable so I won' t be crying if they leave them behind. They're not 'all day' insulated but I just toss in a few ice cubes.
3.| Thin Ice Packs - These are nice and thin and fit between the bentgo box on both side while still being able to zipper the lunch box.
4.| kids RXbar - Ok, so this in't an accessory BUT they are the kids new favorite protein bar. I love the adult RXbars but I could totally eat the PB&J kids one and have no complains.
5.| Insulated Thermos - Ava wants to start taking tomato soup and mac and cheese so I picked up this small thermos for her to be able to do just that. I pour hot water and let it sit for about 10 minutes before I fill it with the hot food that she wants.
Happy lunch packing, friends!
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